Singing&Shouting&Laughing

Late.

2010-11-29T20:46:00.000-08:00

So, I thought for a while I was going to leave blogger...so I haven't posted in ages. I moved to Tumblr, but I haven't posted anything significant on there; it seems that all of my worthwhile rants are on here.

Just informing anyone who cares.

Itchy Throat.

2010-10-17T16:20:00.000-07:00

I really want to sing.

My voice has been itching for it, and I really can't stand it. I can't sing at the moment, because I've caught a cold, but on top of that, I don't really have an environment I can sing IN.

I'm an art student and I also live in a dorm where you aren't supposed to sing, because the walls are paper-thin. The only time I get to sing is in the comfort of my own car, and when I say 'sing', I mean SINGING, full-force, at the top of my lungs (not damaging my voice...haha), the way I WANT to sing...the way I don't sing in front of anyone. I've never sung in such a carefree manner. For anyone. No one has seen me do that yet, and honestly, the reason I haven't is because...well...I don't know what that reason is, but maybe someday I might.

I just have this image of what I can do in my head and then there's what I KNOW I can do, and they're the same. I think I can honestly sing really well, but part of me is afraid to sing so openly in front of someone else. I mean...it's LOUD. And it's HIGH...it's actually pretty powerful sounding. It's unlike anything I knew I could do with my voice. I didn't know I was capable of stuff like that until I entered college.

I figured that out as soon as I moved to college. I was suddenly in an environment where I couldn't sing the way I wanted to. When I wasn't in college, I sang all the time and took it for granted, yet here I am in an environment where my voice is restricted, and it's stifling. But then, there are the chances I get to LEAVE college...to get in my car, crank the volume on my iPod and BLAST it. I can sing as much as I want. That's one of the reasons I love to travel every weekend. I get those few hours of complete solitude, just me and my car, precious moments I get to sing as much as I want, as loud as I want, and no one can stop me.

I really like singing for people, don't get me wrong. I think I enjoy it now more than I did before, because it's more difficult for me to get chances to do it these days. So I think, one day, I might sing that way. I think the only person who could get me to do that at this point is probably my best friend, but even then I'd be timid.

I'm so sick of being shy about my singing.

I can sing. I'm not the best. I never will be. No matter how good you are, someone will ALWAYS be better than you.

But damn it, I can try.

Pathetic.

2010-09-30T11:42:00.000-07:00

Dear God, PLEASE knock some major, ass-kicking SENSE into teenage girls these days.

So I'm on ye olde Facebook and I come across a 'friend' angsting about how much her relationship with a boy sucks. She says how much she hates him but she also says that she doesn't care how pathetic it may be, but she loves him all the same. She's also worried about badmouthing him online at all, because he'll probably smack her around if she does. This girl is really young, too, and I'm almost positive this 'boyfriend' of hers (who apparently tells her he hates her every time they talk) is WAY older than her, too.

For real? Are you shitting me?

Grow up, little girl.

Stop throwing yourself at a guy who is never, EVER going to want you back. That's really trashy and it is SAD.

If he's hitting you, disrespecting you, or abusing you in any way, get OUT. What is WRONG with you? If they guy's treating you like an animal, tell him to shove it where the sun doesn't shine. But you know what, you have no one to blame but yourself. You keep throwing yourself at him and invading his life; chances are, if you didn't stalk him so much, he'd go away and you wouldn't have anything to complain about anymore. If you're really that pathetic and needy, and if your life sucks so bad all because of a little boy, a KID, then why don't you just do all of Facebook a favor and stop bitching about things that don't matter.

He doesn't love you.

He won't love you.

Learn to deal with it.

PS: LEARN WHAT LOVE IS.

Art and Other Things.

2010-09-07T14:51:00.000-07:00

So lately, my life has been consumed by art.

Sleep, art. Eat, art. Work, art. Play, art. Stress, art. Fart, art. Art, art, art!

There's so much of it, I think my head might explode! But I can't loose my cool, I mean, I just got here for crying out loud. I really can't lose it. But art is so stressful! Some days, I wake up saying "everything I do is crap" but I have to keep reminding myself that I am here for a reason! Creativity is a gift, and there are some days where I may doubt myself, but I have to keep in mind that it's my fault and my fault alone, which sounds pessimistic, but let me explain:

In my mind, an artist's 'block' is due to a momentary lapse of faith in one's personal creativity.

Haven't you noticed that we only get 'blocks' like that when we doubt ourselves? If you wake up saying "I'm going to do shitty on this test," well then...chances are you probably will. Set sail for fail! If you think "I'm going to do my best," then that's still not good enough...sometimes that's an excuse to half-ass it and call it your 'best'. What I like to do, especially with the exceedingly hectic world of art, is to say: "I'm going to be amazing."

Chances are, when you have faith in yourself and you know that if you put your mind to it you'll do good, then you're going to be just what I said. Amazing.

Dear Mr. Boyfriend.

2010-09-05T21:34:00.001-07:00

Verily, I dig you. :)

I find you quite fascinating, splendiferous, incredible and captivating.

Love,

Your best friend.

Issues.

2010-09-04T20:47:00.000-07:00

On a scale of 1-5--"5" being the best and "1" being the worst--I'd have to rate this day as "FAILURESUCKFACE".

I've literally done nothing, if that says anything for you. I've done the laundry, cleaned the apartment up a bit, and tried to work, but despite all of my brave attempts, I've accomplished: sitting on my ass, surfing FACEBOOK and YOUTUBE...ALL. DAY. LONG.

Seriously? Seriously?! How does one surf Facebook all day?! FACEBOOK? I mean, come on, Youtube I can understand, but FACEBOOK?

I feel like a sad, depressing little individual right now.

On top of that, there was more angst to be had.

Bear with me.

Okay, this is kind of personal, but at the same time it isn't because every woman angsts about this at least once in her lifetime: I am so uncomfortable with the way I look. In all honesty, I really dislike it. Yeah, yeah, you've heard it all before. Big surprise, right? I bet that wasn't the prize at the bottom of the cereal box you were looking for.

I walked into the bathroom in my lacy nothings today (PARTYYYYYY, Khdd is NAKED! Well, half-naked) and all I could do was gawk awkwardly at the creature in the mirror. I really just wanted to spit at my reflection, or deny that what was staring back at me was...myself. It was a horrific experience, and I actually cried. I really did. I've never cried at the sight of my reflection, but that was a first. It shocked me so badly that it startled me into tears. I promptly ran into the other room and attacked myself with a teeshirt and sweatpants so I wouldn't have to look at it anymore.

It was just that bad. Or at least in my opinion it was.

Now, my boyfriend hates it when I get down on myself about my appearance; he tells me "I wish you would love yourself, because I love you exactly the way you are. You're perfect and you don't need to change." (Bless his heart. I love that boy.)

I suppose, in response to his sweet words: I do love myself to an extent, but my physical appearance is more of a 'family member' relationship sort of 'love'.

You love 'em because they're your family and you can't get rid of them. Not because you actually like them.

That's exactly how my mental self and my physical self are related. But I really want to change that. I never want my boyfriend to have to tell me "I wish you would love yourself" ever again. I really want to change. I think that my reflection scaring me shitless was motivation enough. I really want to change and I want to do it NOW. Besides, who wants to hang out with someone with zero self confidence? Not me, sir.

SO. I think my first course of action will be MOVING. I need to get moving and I need to do it creatively...and creativity and I are sisters, methinks.

Second, NO MORE FAST FOOD. I swear, it's an invention of Satan's, just so he can get a kick out of humanity. I really can't eat that crap anymore, and it's bad for your skin too.

Third, no more sugary soda. If I'm going to have a soda, then it'll be a diet one. No more Coke and no more Pepsi. Eventually, I'd like to eliminate soda all-together. It's kind of crazy to just switch to water immediately...that's a little too intense.

Fourth, I want to stay away from candy, ice cream, potato chips and crap in general. I actually have some in my cabinet that I need to get rid of ASAP.

I want to feel beautiful, I want to be healthy, I want to be strong, and most importantly, I want to do it right. Smaller portions, no junk and minimal carbs. Not a piece of lettuce and a frosted flake every day.

I'm not after becoming a stick-person. I could care less about trying to squeeze my ass into a pair of size four jeans. I just want to feel good about myself and look good while I do it.

Is that really too much to ask?

Hooligan.

2010-08-31T14:59:00.000-07:00

Yeah, that's pretty much what I feel like at the moment. What with totally not paying attention like I should be. Failure.

I'm pretty much defective at this current class I'm in, and I don't expect it to get any better, simply because the teacher refuses to actually teach. More like drone on and on...about nothing of significance to what I read the night before. How can I take notes if what you're saying sounds like Chinese, mister professor? How can I manage to NOT fail your class, when you don't really give us any kind of structure? Why did I sign up for this course? What kind of illegal drug was I on?

And why am I blogging at a time like this?

Moved In.

2010-08-14T08:50:00.000-07:00

So! I've moved into my new home.

It's a three room, two bathroom apartment, shared with three roommates. Full kitchen, spacious living room, two long bedrooms with a little bathroom attached to each. It's really nice and very cute. I've already moved all of my stuff in already, and all of my decorations are up. School starts on monday, so that will really ease the temporary boredom. There's not much to do right now, so class will really fill my schedule.

Today my boyfriend is visiting, and we're going to spend the day together. That should be pretty fun. And I really wanna get out for a little bit, so that will be sure to make it happen.

I haven't been very homesick at all, when I thought I would. I guess I'm just one of those people. Meh.

Answer to 'Contemplating'.

2010-08-04T17:47:00.001-07:00

Upon thorough investigation? NO.

Lights.

2010-08-04T17:44:00.001-07:00

I've found that I'm really into extended-exposure photography, in particular: light art. I've really wanted to do it for a while, but I have a damn Nikon d5000 so of course, it has to be complicated (sexy...but complicated). I can't figure out how to change the exposure and the shutter speed and all of that crazy mess. I know one thing: Manual mode. Does that help me? ...No.

I just need to figure out that crap, then I can do the rest. I just need a flashlight...

Contemplating.

2010-08-02T19:57:00.001-07:00

Should I go back to LiveJournal?

Rare.

2010-07-24T09:12:00.000-07:00

These past two weeks have been amazing. Every day was fantastic, and each one reminded me of how rare and special my life actually is. At the same time, though, each day made me realize how fleeting time can be.

I spent an entire week at my boyfriend's house, and then we spent a week at the beach together. I had so much fun with him, it should be illegal. We're a pretty laid back couple; we aren't fancy, and we don't go out of our way to have fun. To us, fun is talking together, cooking together, running errands together, and even cleaning together. People seem to think that those sort of things can put dampers on relationships, and can even be boring, but I think that it's a true sign that you love someone if you are able to get excited about going grocery shopping, just because it's with him. Let's just say that he is the only person I'd ever gladly go to WalMart with. That's remarkable. Because WalMart and I are mortal enemies from birth.

We did go on a few nice dates, though, which was fun. We went and saw a movie the Wednesday before last, and two days ago he took me out to dinner, we hung around the area and went to the bookstore, and then we stayed up and watched a movie (also a sign that he really loves me? He'll watch chick flicks with me. Go figure). So yeah, our dates could be boring by some people's standards, but I like just being with him...doing overly-exciting things is unnecessary. It can be fun once in a while (like high school prom was fun, I'd consider that overly-exciting), but all the time? No thank you. We're generally chill, private people.

Today I'm moping, though, because I wish he hadn't had to leave yesterday. Today's our anniversary, and I kind of really wanted to spend it with him, but alas. He had a wedding to go to. So I've been sitting around all day, pretty much vegetating. I'm horrified to tell you that I'm actually still in my pajamas. But the truth is the truth, and nothing will conceal my sleep-matted hair from hell.

Despite the fact that he had to go home yesterday (amid many tears and much angst), everything's okay. Life is complicated, but he makes it better. I don't want to be written off as another young person blinded by love, because that always pisses me off. It's very hurtful to be thought of that way. Because it's the farthest thing from the truth. If anything, being with him didn't blind me, but it opened my eyes. My life pretty much dove to the rocks (again) recently, and I can't describe it any other way than family drama...so much is wrong right now. It's very stressful and sad, on top of the added pressure of my huge move this August. If I didn't have my boyfriend, I'd snap. I'm not clinging to him for emotional support. Instead, he's there like a best friend should be. He's always the first person to ask me if I'm ok, and he can always tell when I'm lying...most people can't. He's always there to let me know that everything's not all bad, and that life can be fun and lighthearted, and that it's okay to loosen up and know that I'll always have him. He really does help it all mesh together, even if it has a tendency to mesh into a disorganized mess half of the time.

I kind of owe him my sanity. And that's perfectly fine with me.

Love.

2010-07-09T15:07:00.000-07:00

A bit about my younger self and my family.

My family comes from all over Europe, but we have lots of Irish lineage coming from my mother's side of the family. When I was younger, my mother had a cd of celtic/irish folktunes that she played often, and I fell in love with the music. I've listened to that music all while I grew up, and I still adore it and sing it often. One of my favorites, however, is something I wanted to share with you today! I sing this all the time, and I'm pretty sure I drive my family completely batty, and my boyfriend too...he hears me either humming it or just going at it constantly. Needless to say, that's not the only one I sing day in and day out, but I sing it very often. Let's say that.

So! I wanted to share the lyrics with you at least, because it's important to me, but you really need to look up the song. It's nice.

Siúil A Rúin

*The chorus is in phonetic Gaelic. It translates to:

Come, come, come, O love,
Quickly come to me, softly move;
Come to the door, and away we'll flee,
And safe for aye may my darling be!

I wish I was on yonder hill
'Tis there I'd sit and cry my fill,
And every tear would turn a mill,
Iss guh day thoo avorneen slawn.

Shule, shule, shule aroon,
Shule go succir agus, shule go kewn,
Shule go dheen durrus oggus aylig lume,
Iss guh day thoo avorneen slawn.

I'll sell my rock, I'll sell my reel,
I'll sell my only spinning wheel,
To buy my love a sword of steel
Iss guh day thoo avorneen slawn.

Chorus

I'll dye my petticoats, I'll dye them red,
And 'round the world I'll beg my bread,
Until my parents shall wish me dead,
Iss guh day thoo avorneen slawn.

Chorus

I wish, I wish, I wish in vain,
I wish I had my heart again,
And vainly think I'd not complain,
Iss guh day thoo avorneen slawn.

Chorus

But now my love has gone to France,
To try his fortune to advance;
If he e'er come back, 'tis but a chance,
Iss guh day thoo avorneen slawn.

Chorus

I Dreamt That I Dwelt in Marble Halls.

2010-07-09T15:05:00.000-07:00

"I dreamt that I dwelt in marble halls,
With vassals and serfs at my side,
And of all who assembled within those walls,
That I was the hope and the pride.

I had riches too great to count, could boast
Of a high ancestral name;
But I also dreamt, which pleased me most,
That you lov'd me still the same..."

From the opera The Bohemian Girl

Update.

2010-07-08T14:15:00.000-07:00

So, I haven't updated/posted in a while, and I dislike that, but I've been pretty busy...on top of the fact that I continuously forget to update. ...Whatever.

For the good news:

I finally got a new iPod adapter for my car (my old one was being very rude, as I've posted before I do believe) and I got a new headset! I don't know if I mentioned that my earphones blew out and the mic stopped working soon afterward. It was very irritating. But I went to the wonderful world of WalMart and bought both the adapter and the headset yesterday for under thirty dollars. Win? I think so.

Also, for further loverly news, I get to go and see my wonderfully amazing boyfriend on Saturday! :D The drive can be boring, but I'm so hyped up on wanting to see him that it really doesn't matter. I'm super duper excited because I'll be with him for two weeks. I'll be at his house all next week, and then we go to the beach...! Excited, excited. We haven't seen each other in a month, so that was tough, but things will be much better and easier for the next several months.

On a bit of a sour note, I worry about the spring though, because he'll be moving four hours away again...but I guess it's pointless to worry about that now because it's so far off. It's moments like these where I curse having a spring birthday...I don't want to have a birthday present of my boyfriend moving away! XD Curses. But I'm more than willing to make it work. As long as he doesn't move even farther away than that, I'm fine. "I'm going to college in Europe!" "AGH! THEN I'M COMING WITH YOU...!" XD I kid, I kid.

Okay. Back to happy timez. My boyfriend got me an epic graduation gift...he knows how much I love and adore and worship (you think I'm kidding) cute things and Hello Kitty...so he got me a very cute gift. And I'm ready to dance and squee and frolic. Not to mention that my gift for him is quite nice and I spent many a tortuous hour on it. But it was a labor of love...literally.

So yeah, this is my update for the moment. Huzzah.

Quickly, Now.

2010-07-03T17:39:00.000-07:00

Oh man oh man oh man.

I just got home from vaca today.

And I'm tan.

That's a first.

Anyway, I've got a week of down-time (but not really...I'll be cleaning houses...) before I leave to go see my boyfriend...I'm super-stoked because we'll be together for two weeks. Happy times.

I will try to post some more this week, but...there won't be much posting after that. Boohoo. I'll be busy.

So, that was my quick snippet-update. Maybe I'll post more some other time.

I Want to Sleep.

2010-06-18T20:47:00.000-07:00

But I can't.

I feel really...sick.

I'm sick of my mind seeming to spin at 100 miles per minute. Maybe I am sick, I don't know.

Summer shouldn't be this stressful and slow-paced.

Well. I have no problem with the summer trickling by at a turtle's speed, because I like not having to stress about schoolwork. But I wish I wasn't as bored.

Lately, I've been up till three, then getting restless sleep, then up again at noon. I try to get up at eight, but I'm either stuck in a totally upside down dream or I think it's eight or nine when I get up, but I'm sorely mistaken. I kind of stick in a daze of scavenging for a job and drifting around the house cleaning while I'm awake.

I've been forgetting what day of the week it is. A moment ago, I thought it was Wednesday...but then I remembered that it's almost Saturday. Where has my head gone? Into a blender?

I certainly feel like it. I'm very excited about the month to come, though.

I just want the rain to keep coming, but the thunder to stop.

Of Course.

2010-06-15T13:21:00.001-07:00

It WOULD be pouring right when I should be leaving. Oh well, I guess this will just set me back a little bit more than I'd hoped.

I'm super pissed. I have one of those adapters you can put in a tape deck and attach to anything with a headphone jack...I attach it to my iPod when I'm in the car. Yesterday, it BROKE. I don't know why...I've had it for a ridiculously long time though (since the summer of seventh grade...so LONG ago!) so I can't say I'm surprised. Ugh. I just don't want to have to keep CDs in my car...they're such a hassle. And I don't have a plug-in on my console in my car, so I can't hook my iPod up that way. I don't really care when I'm just driving around town, but I drive long distances often these days, and it helps when I don't have satellite radio and can't find stations (my radio sucks in general, anyway). Oh well. Maybe I can find another online. Hopefully. That would be nice. It's been fun tape-adapter-thingy.

So, now that the rant no one cares about is over...

I'm so bored these days. I love summer, but I dislike not having anything to do...because when I'm goal-less like this, I just sit around, and that's the OPPOSITE of what I need at this point. But I shouldn't complain, because after this I have a lot of stuff to do with school, visiting my boyfriend, driving all over the place, going to the beach...so that'll be fun. I really want a tan. Really bad. Like...I'm the color of sour cream (how is that new, I wonder?).

Whatever. Here's hoping summer won't suck.

New?

2010-06-14T12:13:00.000-07:00

I wanted to try out this new design thing...and I like my blog's look a lot better now! :) It's much more modern this way, I think.

Idk, I might change it until I find a look that I totally love.

Ahh!

2010-06-14T10:27:00.000-07:00

Oh. My. God.

It's summer. :)

I've waited for this summer for a long time...basically, I was looking forward to this summer since LAST summer. I don't really know why, but I was.

This summer has been (and continually will be) much less eventful than last summer...last year, as soon as classes were done, I was off to visit family, then at summer camp for a week immediately after, camping soon after that, on a week long mission trip in July, and flying to Mexico for a week in August, while juggling a job and attempting to shove three novels down my throat.

Since then I've quit my job, I don't need to read crap this summer if I don't want to (which I DON'T), I don't have anything to do, I want to find a job (but no one's going to hire me...I need 3 weeks off already, and I'm less than a seasonal position...it's that bad), sometimes I WISH I was at summer camp or on a vacation, and I move in early August to go do more learning...yay...

So it's going GREAT. Is my sarcasm working?

No?

...

I'm done trying.

So my stomach's in knots, I really want to use my vacation to go and pay my boyfriend a long, well-deserved visit, and I want to get all of this preliminary crap for school out of the way so I can ENJOY my summer...it's my last one at home like this and I want to make the best of it...because I get to really capture my independence soon, and I'm enjoying being a child for a little longer...it's scary having to leave that.

Ugh. And now I need to make another phone call.

Well at least you got to hear some of my angst...isn't it sad that I angst through the summer? (who DOES that?!)

I guess it's off to be responsible now. Tra la.

Getting Shorter.

2010-05-18T14:33:00.000-07:00

The days have definitely been seeming shorter, but the weeks tend to drag. I wonder how that could be, sometimes...but I guess I should just roll my eyes and not question it. Classes will be DONE soon...this is my last actual week of 'school', if you can call it that...in reality, I was done last week. Now I'm just stuck on campus because I have to be. Joy? I think so. And I also think my sarcasm isn't nearly as potent over the internet as it is in real life, sadly.

This was kind of a dumb idea to start writing an entry this late, because I have to get going in about...nine minutes. I just felt like babbling on about my somewhat unimpressive life. I'm just bored, I think. And slightly excited about school finally being OVER...and nervous, because I know how quickly summer flies by, which means that I'll be moving sooner than I thought...and I just registered last night how homesick I'll be once I move. It's a big, jumbled mess of confusion, needs, and wants. Most of me wants to get it all sorted out, so that I can live in the pristine, list-making, OCD pattern I do right now, but there's a small part of me that really wants to gnaw on some adventure...something I haven't done before. I think I might need that in my life. I'm ready to bust out of my box...but I think common sense is telling me to just walk out calmly, rather than bust the wall down. Eh. Maybe I'll still be unconventional and climb through a window instead of walking through the door. That sounds safe...yet fun. Tricky, yet tasteful. Definitely me.

Meaning.

2010-05-01T23:11:00.000-07:00

Our moments are fleeting.

Every time I say the small words 'I love you', I feel another part of myself detaching from who I was, and melding to who I am with him.

Which is infinitely better than anything I ever have been before.

I don't want to remember not having my best friend.

Ugh.

2010-03-07T10:11:00.000-08:00

Well. There's officially no hope for me; this week is going to suck. There are so many things that could go wrong and trust me...they probably will. But it's not like I'm assuming what's going to happen...it's what I know for sure is going to totally screw me over.

1) I'm changing everything about the way I live this week. My big move is lurking on the horizon, and from there I'll be on my own, so, in preparation for a radically different lifestyle, I'm changing the way I treat myself health-wise. Exercise and eating healthy aren't a huge part of my family's lifestyle, but attempts have been a huge factor in mine...but now it's time to really keep it going and do what I know will make me happier and healthier...and more prepared to living alone. So, as of tomorrow, I'm starting an exercise routine, and I'm completely changing my eating habits. Some might say that's a tad drastic way too quickly but trust me...I've done it before. And it worked. But then I dropped it. It's time to start again...this time I won't quit. Huzzah...

But it's still going to suck. Oh well. I'll smile through the pain.

2) My boyfriend flew across the country yesterday, so now he's on the opposite coast...and unable to really talk with me all week. We're already in a long distance relationship, so that sucks, but not being able to even really talk for an entire week is just going to blow big time. Normally, he keeps me sane. This year has been so hectic, and you know, I'm pretty sure he's been helping me not want to jump off a bridge. He reassures me no matter what, and that's something that most people in my life just don't do. Little things like that really make a difference. But it's weird, because there hasn't been a week that we haven't talked since like...August. So it'll definitely be awkward. But oh well...more time for me to work. I'll just be on my own this week. My family is busy and I haven't really had time for friends this year, nor have they had time for me...so it looks like I'll be roughing it.

3) I've got so much to do. :( I'll really be a mess by Friday. Not that it matters; Saturday will be another early-to-rise, late-to-dream day.

Here's to an 'exciting' week ahead...ugh.

One Of My Favorites.

2010-03-04T15:04:00.000-08:00

Sonnet XXVI

1. Lord of my love, to whom in vassalage
2. Thy merit hath my duty strongly knit,
3. To thee I send this written embassage,
4. To witness duty, not to show my wit:
5. Duty so great, which wit so poor as mine
6. May make seem bare, in wanting words to show it,
7. But that I hope some good conceit of thine
8. In thy soul's thought, all naked, will bestow it:
9. Till whatsoever star that guides my moving,
10. Points on me graciously with fair aspect,
11. And puts apparel on my tottered loving,
12. To show me worthy of thy sweet respect:
13. Then may I dare to boast how I do love thee;
14. Till then, not show my head where thou mayst prove me.

I Miss You.

2010-02-16T18:42:00.000-08:00

It's a hard thing to say;

That you long for someone every waking second of your life.

It's tough to admit;

The fact that you feel like you're walking around with a chunk ripped out of your heart...the half that they carry with them, miles and miles away.

It's scary to think about;

An existence without them, even if it's just for the time being.

It sounds cheesy, but it's true. It's a sad truth that not only I have to live with, unfortunately.

It's easy to be selfish in situations like this...easy to say 'woe is me' and weep petty tears over how screwed over your own situation is, when there are so many people in the exact same boat as you this very minute.

In short.

I know I'm not the only person suffering from the long distance relationship ailment. Before you jump my ass over that statement, let me clarify: the relationship isn't an ailment, but rather the cure. It's the separation that's the ailment. But in the end, it will all be worth it. I firmly believe that. And I'm not the only one that understands that, and I find that comforting, in a way. So I'm not going to sit here bitching and moaning about distance this and separation that for two hours or something, because it's the same song and dance that so many people listen to over and over.

But sometimes I feel like I just need to say it. So this is my indulgence of feeling a bit mopey for the day.

I love him very dearly.

Very, very dearly.

He's my best friend.

He is absolutely everything to me. More than I thought he'd be. He makes life beautiful in ways I never imagined. And it feels like I've been waiting for him for a long, long time.

So it just sucks that I have to wait longer. You understand, I'd bet.

Humor me.

That's Messed Up.

2010-02-07T13:32:00.000-08:00

I was talking to a friend at church today, and I was horrified to hear that a girl she knew from school had been killed on Friday night. It had been very sudden and extremely unexpected, as most deaths are, but it's still terrible to hear of the deaths of people your friends were close to, and perhaps that person was even someone you might have seen passingly in public and not noticed. It's even worse because she was so very young...she had her entire life in front of her, and for what? It was ripped away, all because of someone's bad decisions.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this: think twice before you do something you could end up regretting. I really hope the man that killed her remembers what he did for the rest of his life. Because it all could have been avoided if he'd done the right thing and made the right choices.

That person he killed? She wasn't just some girl in the crowd. I never had the pleasure of meeting this sweet girl, but from what I've heard and from reading the adoring things people have said about her, she was a kindred soul with a heart of gold. And she was so much more. She was a sister, a daughter, a cousin, a granddaughter, a friend.

A life.

A journey.

A story. Like all of us.

Each and every one of us.

None of us are merely 'human'. We're all wild mysteries. Empty storybooks craving the adventure of life. And if you don't believe that, well then, what are we here for? If not to discover what lies ahead for us?

But, sadly, she won't get to discover what was in store for her.

If it was truly her time to go, and she was indeed called home because it was the right thing for her, then may it be so. I think it's true when I say that everybody--her family, her friends, her sister, and even those who never met her, like me--should just give it to God. God had (rather, HAS) a plan for her, and if He called her home because it was the right time, then His will was done. She is in heaven. She is happy now. Even though we can trust that God's plan was in action, however, that does not change the fact that her death was at the hands of someone else's carelessness. And THAT is what we should worry about, truly.

Make the right decisions, people. Really. Everything you do, no matter how small, has some effect on someone. And sometimes, it's for the wrong reason. Remember her. Remember that she didn't need to die. Remember that, if you think things through BEFORE you act, then you could end up a lot happier and better off, and you could even save a life.

Blast.

2010-02-06T15:14:00.000-08:00

I'm almost POSITIVE that Facebook encourages violence in adolescents.

1) Some jerk on my friend list has sent me the SAME request for the SAME page THEY made FOUR times. If I get it again, I will personally drive to her house and kick her ass. Or just unfriend her. But kicking her ass sounds like more fun.

And?

2) What the hell is this 'FarmVille?' I don't even know what it is! But I get ten thousand little "Oh No! The little baby lamb is lost in the pasture! Help her now!" requests EVERY freaking day, and I've tried blocking it AGAIN and AGAIN, but it keeps coming back! If I get one more alert for that, I'm going to seriously punch some unsuspecting stranger in the mouth. Because God knows, they probably play FarmVille.

12.29.09

2009-12-29T10:24:00.001-08:00

"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you."

James 4:8

Change For the Better.

2009-12-15T15:12:00.000-08:00

The last time my boyfriend J and I had tried to arrange a get-together, our plans fell through big time. It's wasn't like walking across a flat surface in socks and falling on your ass; it was more like walking through the attic and tripping over a nail, falling face-first, mouth open, into the insulation, tearing through that, ripping a hole in the ceiling of the story below you, falling through that hole and THEN landing on your ass.

It was just that bad.

We had all of these plans made and we were both really looking forward to seeing each other. The 'crush' stage hadn't really blown over at that point, so we were both jittery with excitement and ideas and it was all high anticipation. October 24th, October 24th, October 24th...at that point, I was kind of repeating it like a mantra in my head. It was a busy weekend, but I was determined to do whatever I could in

order to make it a great one. On top of seeing J, one of my other amazing friends was supposed to come too (let's call him B, shall we?). So...you've got one amazing friend that I missed dearly and the guy I'd fallen hopelessly in love with that I hadn't seen for months.

Well. All of those plans fell through. Go figure.

And at the last minute, too. It was like...eleven fifty the night before. I got a text from J saying "We might not be coming. Things changed, so don't get your hopes up."

I prayed all night. Sure enough, the next morning, I got the word that they weren't coming. And I was distraught and in tears for hours when I found out that nothing was happening.

It took me a while to recover from that.

So my time of separation from J stretc

hed on longer and longer. We juggled plans back and forth, trying desperately to figure out a way we could see each other. But nothing seemed to work. We were just too busy and the distance was just too much.

Finally, his birthday rolled around and he got an opportunity to come see me. I was so beyond happy. We had to reschedule the date twice, but finally, two weekends ago, he came and visited me. I was super jittery all day long, but when the doorbell rang and I ran into his arms none of that mattered. Every stupid worry, every anxious thought, all of my doubts...none of it mattered. All I knew was that I loved him. I've never felt that before.

Being able to talk to him in person, holding his hand, kissing him, listening to his heartbeat; it all felt incredibly natural to me. I'd worried about whether or not it would be awkward because we hadn't seen each other in so long, but it wans't awkward at all. It felt like it was exactly where I needed to be: right in his arms.

Loving someone so much when t

hey're far away is difficult, but I think it's honestly brought us closer. I trust him completely and I don't want anyone else but him. I can't imagine being with anyone else. He's not perfect, no one is, but he's the closest to perfection that I've ever seen in my entire life. And he comes pretty damn close. I love him with every bit of my heart and I'm proud to say that he loves me just as much.

Hellz yeah.

Evil Immune System.

2009-12-04T10:32:00.001-08:00

Gah. I swear, no matter how hard I try, I ALWAYS am getting sick these days. And it's not just colds...it's like, the entire spectrum of annoying ailments. Swine flu, just your average flu, strep, infections, countless colds, dental complications, swimmers' ear, and recently terrible headaches...and that's all this year! Goodness. So on that note, I'd like to ask my dear Immune System if it would please stop being so lazy and actually try and do its job. That would be great, thanks.

So yeah, I've been home today and yesterday from being sick again, not that I need it; I missed almost two weeks of classes because of swine flu in late summer. I'm uncomfortable, but I can work. I've been making sure I have everything done, doing loads and loads of laundry (I have no idea where all of the matching socks run off to...it's a mystery to me), and making sure I have the upstairs spic and span, because my sister is having her friends over for her birthday tonight. Ooh joy.

But on the other hand, I am so excited. :) Next week will be hectic and crazy, but on Friday, Saturday and Sunday I get to see my wonderful boyfriend. :) Ha. I'll probably be euphoric for weeks after that. I've been dying to see him forever, even before we were dating. We've been best friends for a pleasantly solid five months now, and we've been dating since October. I can't believe it's been six months since we met. Half a year? That seems unreal to me. It still feels like it should be September...where does the time go? It's painful being separated from him. But it doesn't matter where I am, I'll love him just the same. :) And after this year it'll be much easier, which is great.

Recently, my days have pretty much been filled with work, work, work. I've been working like a madwoman on a huge essay (and my rough draft is due this Tuesday...aagh) and freaking out over my art. I have SO much to finish, it's not even funny. But I tend to work better under pressure, so maybe this is the kick in the ass I really needed to get going. I've still got a lot of cleaning to do before six today. After that I've got to work more, draw more, and look for magazines...I need to make a collage. :| And then I'll get to hang out with my sister and her friends and hopefully chill on Skype for a while. Huzzah.

So yeah. Interesting week ahead. Bring it.

Mmmblah.

2009-11-27T19:45:00.000-08:00

I'm psyched because I finally got my freaking skype to work. About time. Fo'reals. And on top of that, Ollie (my webcam, long story) finally rose from the dead. Which is weird. Because normally when things die, they don't resurrect themselves. Eh.

My friend M stepped on it and snapped the head off of the base that connects to the monitor. I initially flipped a lid, but then found out that it attached back. I was calm and plugged it back into my computer to assure that it worked, but my screen went totally funky and my computer restarted itself. I tried again and my computer suffered the same fate. Set sail for fail.

So onward with the tale: Yesterday I was on skype with my boyfriend and his webcam is fully functioning, so I got to see him but I felt bad because he didn't get to see me. I was pissed. So I confronted my webcam today. >:)

...And mysteriously, it worked.

I don't know how. I don't know why. I'm not sure I want to know why. But it worked.

Ollie returned to me from the dead.

HUZZAH!

That's my epic win of the day. Proud of me? :)

People Piss Me Off.

2009-11-24T20:35:00.000-08:00

Especially stupidfuckers with nothing better to do than spread rumors.

I'm kind of sick of it, actually.

I shouldn't give a damn about what she might think about me, and I like to preserve friendships with as many people as I can, and I think that having enemies is wrong and all but...I'm allergic to incurable cases of 'mentally insane'. And she fits the bill.

To you, sweets:

Well, honey.

Just remember that I was one of the only people who would put up with all of your drama and stupid shit.

Just saying.

And you already got rid of one, and I'm number two, so have fun talking to yourself.

And keep in mind that I'm always going to be better. I was from the start.

And you know it. So go on and be jealous; I'll enjoy every. Damn. Minute.

Dislike?

Suck it up.

Life's a bitch.

What I Read.

2009-11-22T20:49:00.001-08:00

"A girl asked a guy if she was pretty.

He said no.

She asked him if he wanted her.

He said no.

She asked, if she left, would he cry?

He said no.

She turned to leave.

He grabbed her arm.

And he said:

You're not pretty, you're beautiful.

I don't want you, I need you.

And I wouldn't cry if you left me, I would die.

I love you."

The things you can find on myspace. Heh.

Kudos to whoever wrote that.

Sappy!

I think it's funny, though. Because you make fun of those 'cute little couples' who are just so perfect for each other and they love each other so much and blah blah blah...and you laugh and point at them and then...BAM. You're a part of one of those 'cute little couples.'

Heh! Got what was comin' to ya'.

I'm not complaining though. :)

Because he's absolutely perfect. :) Not 'perfect-perfect' like "ohemgee, you're totally flawless and inhumanly amazing and---OHMAIGAWD is that EDWARD CULLEN?"

Ha.

But rather more like.."You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly."

For the Better.

2009-10-12T17:42:00.000-07:00

Wow...a LOT has changed in the past...two weeks? I kind of lost track of time when I got sick, so two weeks sounds about right. Meh.

I recently found out that I'm probably the luckiest girl in the world. Shazam!

I've never wanted something so badly in my entire life. Ever.

12 Days has never seemed so long.

I've never been happier in my life.

Oh My God.

2009-09-25T20:19:00.000-07:00

To start out with...see title above...I can't believe how long my last post was. That, my friends, is just a testament to how freaking BORED I've been, what with this whole flu business. The Flu and I are pretty much compañeros at this point. Whatever.

Sooo. I've posted plenty of crap onto my DeviantART page today, and people are probably thinking "OH MAI GOWHD, WHAT A CAMERA WHORE," to which I say "shut up, bitches, I had an idea and I didn't have a model to take pictures OF". Urrgh. I really wish I did, because I'm sick of using myself for all of my pictures! Maybe narcissists are into that kind of camera craziness, but I really wish I had someone to take pictures of besides myself. My sister's getting sick of me using her, too, and I don't blame her. Whatever I guess. I had an idea, and there you go. That's what happens when you give me a camera. Pretty much nothing spectacular.

I really need to get back on the drawing train and work more on my project for art...I wish photography was acceptable for the course, but it's not. It would be much less time-consuming for sure. The picture I'm currently working on is a big inked mess of Alice in Wonderland, in a sense...it's on my DA page. The progress, that is. I have all of these ideas that I want to draw, but at the current moment, I should be doing schoolwork. That's a little higher up on the urgency list.

Now I get to sit down and chatter my brains out like a wonderfully angst-filled teenager. Angst of the day? Guys. Wow, I bet you didn't see THAT one coming (I hope my sarcasm's as potent over the internet as it is in real life). I'm not REALLY going to get into it, because it's none of your business, but I am so sick of dealing with issues concerning the opposite sex. I've had three major incidents in the past two weeks that are stroke-inducing...in that they pissed me off so much, I was ready to kick a puppy. Sorry, puppies. And the funny thing is, it wasn't a bunch of crap with one guy, but with three different guys. Oh, to be SO lucky...*death*. And all the while I get to be a drama queen, because I already like someone, and am totally not interested in anyone other than him. Which sucks. Because it wouldn't work out. I think. That and the other guys are just...um. They have their drawbacks. Let's just leave it at that...not to be a bitch or anything...much.

Well...I just realized that I don't have anything else to really bitch about at the moment. Gasp.

Geek Time.

2009-09-24T08:30:00.000-07:00

Today, I have license to geek out. I'm at home sick (still), and I have nothing better to do than write here. :) Which is probably a good thing, because I had mannny questions that people have asked me online that should have been answered, only I don't have the time to do that sort of stuff on a regular basis. BUT! Since I'm home today, I might as well.

So, today's topic is *drumroll*: Anime! (I told you it was Geek Time!)

Alright, kids, let me cut to the chase. When it comes to manga vs. anime, for me, manga single-handedly beats anime down into the dirt and proceeds to beat the crap out of it. I really don't know why I think this way, but I do. I guess this is because you can get more out of a series by reading it and really taking the time to study the art, which you don't so often get to do when it comes to a television show. Take 'Trinity Blood' for example. It's always been one of my favorite series. However, I prefer to read it as opposed to watching it. The animation in the show is nice and considerably visually appealing, true, but if you compare it to what you're missing in the manga, it's like a whole other world. The manga art is absolutely STUNNING. It's so intricate and so well toned, and it displays a great amount of talent and skill. And then the storyline in the anime is cut tragically short, while the manga is a bit deeper.

This happens in many cases; not just Trinity Blood.

Which is why I prefer manga. I read manga like it's nobody's business, but I don't waste my time watching lots of anime. And it's not about the 'DUB VS SUB?!' crap or anything like that (Which, by the way, folks, is just stupid as hell. No matter which language it's in, the mouth movements never really match what's being spoken because it's a CARTOON.). It's because anime has a tendency to really screw over a storyline, if you've read the actual manga first. Mind, this doesn't apply to all series, because sometimes it's the ANIME that's turned into a MANGA, and sometimes, there was no manga in the first place! Just a show. But still, I don't really watch anime. That's just my opinion.

Rant over! What I'm trying to get to is this, the actual question (asked by an online friend): "I know you don't like anime as much as the next guy, but I know you watch it! Which shows do you actually enjoy and why?"

Hmmm. Okay, then. Let's list 'em.

1) Speed Racer! This was the first anime I watched. I saw it when I was six years old, and from that day on, I was completely hooked. So, in essence, it was anime that got me into manga. Heh.

2) Sailor Moon. I was absolutely addicted to this show when I was younger! I loved it, and it still is one of my favorites. Sure, it's cheesy and overly-shojo at times, but it's timeless, when you get right down to it. It was the beginning and the end for the 'magical girl' era, and it will always be one of the best series, in my opinion.

3) Dragonball. I dislike it now, but when I was younger, I liked Dragonball almost as much as I liked Sailor Moon. I look back now and think 'why the hell did I watch this?', but it was cool to me when I was little.

4) Gundam! Giant fighting robots, that's what's up! I always loved Gundam...and I watched all of the series when I was younger. I have a hard time finding them these days, but when it was still on regular cable, I watched the Gundam shows like crazy.

5) Pokemon. It totally owned my soul back when I was in elementary school. I would seriously get up way earlier than was necessary, just so I could watch Pokemon. I only liked old-school Pokemon, too. Not all of this new crap with new characters ard more than 150 (or however many) Pokemon. Ash, Misty, and Brock, yo. That's what's up.

6) Now we're getting up in years, because the next on my list has to be Fruits Basket. I actually started watching Fruits Basket before I read it. I watched it a looong time ago and LOVED it. Then, about three years later, I went out and bought the manga. And I am very proud to say that I own every volume. I am a total Furuba Fangirl.

7) Trinity Blood is probably next on the list. I stumbled upon it watching the Adult Swim network one night, and I totally adored it. I bought the manga first, before I watched any more of it. And even though I think the manga is better, I still really like the anime. I'm just disappointed at how short the anime is. It's a really smart show. It deals with vampires (to which many people will roll their eyes, these days), except it's science fiction rather than gothic fiction. And, it deals with religion, which is interesting. It's a very intelligent show, with a lot of thought put into it.

8) FLCL! Also known as Fooly Cooly (in Japan: Furi Kuri), this show will make your head explode. It's hyper-paced, and every animation style you can think of, pretty much on drugs. To most it probably seems like a colossal waste of time, but that is probably the FARTHEST thing from the truth. In essence, once you grasp the extreme plot, it's a beautifully animated, coming of age story. It deals a lot with the life of the protagonist, the issues he faces at home, friendships at school, his brother's crazy ex-girlfriend, sexuality, change, and even...an alien housekeeper? It's crazy, but you can't go wrong with FLCL.

9) Eureka Seven definitely makes the list. Once again: giant fighting robots. Oh yessir. This show is really addictive, it's not too short and not too long, and it's one of those rare series where you actually get attached to the characters. Ninety percent of the time, this show had me on the edge of my seat. I think my favorite thing about it, though, is the phenomenal animation. It's so clean and gorgeous, much like the animation of FLCL. But the best aspect of the animation is definitely the aerial LFO battles. They're so fluid, visually captivating, and dynamic.

10) Finally, number ten! But unfortunately I couldn't pick just one, for different reasons. The '10' spot has to go to both Death Note and Ouran High School Host Club. Death Note was epic amazing...but nowhere near as epic amazing as the manga. The ending was completely off, the pacing got a bit awkward at times...and so on and so forth. But the animation was beautiful, the dub was really nice, and it was just the right length. It did the manga justice in the long run, I think . Now...OHSHC. This anime was definitely cute, well animated, and well dubbed, but I think that the storyline was definitely different from the manga. The pacing was very strange at times, and some parts were changed. Which is understandable, considering how much time is allotted for an anime, but still. I really loved the dub! Funimation does some stuff that really wows me, and then they do some shows that really make me shake my head in disbelief, but OHSHC was one of the 'wow' factors. You can really tell how much work and love was put into the production, and I seriously have to applaud Caitlin Glass for that...she did an excellent job. The voice actors were all perfect for their rolls, too. And then the storyline and humor...hahaha. It's so slapstick and off the wall, which I love. There's a lot of deformed animation (like chibis and stuff), which I think is always hilarious. It also reminds me a lot of Fruits Basket. But OHSHC also was very serious at times. I love the ability of a show to transform from solemn to hilarious in the blink of an eye. So, in the end, Death Note and Ouran High School Host Club were both equally great.

End of list! Phew...

Anyway. If you're curious as to where you can watch these, I'll tell you where I got mine.

Speed Racer- No idea where you can watch this nowadays. Sorry. It's been a while.

Sailor Moon- As far as online goes, I have no idea, but they still sell copies.

Dragonball- See Speed Racer.

Gundam- See Speed Racer.

Pokemon- See Sailor Moon.

Fruits Basket- I bought mine off of iTunes, but I know for a fact that you can find the sub AND the dub online. I'm pretty sure you can watch in on YouTube now, too, but don't quote me on that.

Trinity Blood- iTunes!

FLCL- It's extremely short; only six episodes long (it's worth it), and you can find them all on YouTube.

Eureka Seven- You can find them online. I watched it on YouTube.

Death Note- I watched the sub on YouTube, and then I went out and bought the dub off of iTunes. They have them as DVDs too, obviously.

OHSHC- I bought the Part 1 DVD, and then I went out and bought the rest of the episodes off of iTunes.

So yeah! Later on today, I'll post a complete list of the anime I watch, not just my favorites. If you couldn't tell, people have really been bugging me about it, so that's why this post was so freaking long and there will be another. Heh.

Rob Bell.

2009-09-23T14:14:00.000-07:00

Truly amazing.

Lookie.

2009-09-23T14:12:00.000-07:00

This goes hand in hand with one of my earlier posts. :)

DO NOT STEAL THIS IMAGE. Credits on my DEVIANTART page!

http://khdd.deviantart.com/art/Notes-138009366

No Shock There.

2009-09-23T12:02:00.000-07:00

Why is it that almost every time I post here, I'm sick? Shocking. I think it's kid of funny. :) I really don't get sick that much, but from my posts here, it makes it seem like I do. 8)

Today's my random post day, so here goes.

I've been hating my myspace URL for a LONG time now. I've been a member since...wow, how long...2006 (whoa!), and I've hated my URL since 2007. Set sail for fail! I actually went out to make a new account the other day...until I learned that myspace has delved deep into the depths of *dun dun duuun* PROFILE 2.0. Which sucks. I still use Div Overlays for my profile. I like it that way. I learned how to design web pages by using myspace, and I've always held some respect for myspace because of that, but this 2.0 thing is really killing the final shards of respect that I still have for that poor website. Anyway, I deleted the new account, and I decided to just put up with my old one and my crappy URL...that is until I signed up for my @myspace email address today. I GOT TO CHANGE MY URL! 8D So for all of you myspace users who are feuding with stupid URL names, go sign up for the email! You can change it...and this will probably be your only chance.

I was actually on fanfiction.net the other day and I swung by my account to see how it was doing. Dead, as usual. It's been that way for a couple of years. I can't believe how long I've been on that website...I got my account in 2006. That was just my YEAR, as far as signing up for websites goes. X) I'm thinking of resurrecting that poor account. I have some ideas.

Anyway, that's all I really have to go on and on about at the moment. Maybe I'll come up with something a bit more productive later.

It Happens.

2009-09-21T18:37:00.000-07:00

`Did I forget to tell you that I love you?

`Did I tell you enough?

`Did I tell you enough times to ensure that you'll never leave?

`Because, without you, I don't feel like I have much of a purpose here.

`Without you, my reasons for staying aren't as evident.

`Sounds kind of crazy, I know.

`But I feel like a lot less of a screw-up whenever I'm around you.

`More like a masterpiece, less of a mistake.

`How twisted.

`I think back and try to imagine...

`What if none of this ever happened?

`We could have so easily missed each other.

`That would have sucked big time.

`And it's kind of funny.

`Because neither of us would have ever known.

`Never.

`We wouldn't have needed to.

`But then again;

`Everything happens for a reason.

`The people we hold in the highest regard,

`People that really matter,

`Are in our lives for a specific purpose.

`Sometimes we don't really know what that purpose is at first,

`But that's what life is all about.

`Figuring it out along the way.

`No one can do it alone.

`We all need people to help us navigate through this mess called humanity.

`And I've realized that you're one of those people.

`I need you.

`Do you need me too?

Happy September, People...

2009-08-31T19:37:00.000-07:00

September already? Feels like July.

I've been so incredibly busy lately, and it kind of sucks. I sort of feel like I have no life whatsoever outside of school, work, and all the stuff I've been doing over the past...(counting the weeks, lol)...five months. "FIVE?" One might say...but yes, five INDEED. Cinco. :/

I was crazy busy right after spring break ended last year, and that continued on into summer. I got like...a week long break to go visit some relatives, and then it was immediately off to the first summer camp that would kick off the rest of my busy, busy summer vacation (if you can even call it a 'vacation' lol). Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have traded that experience (or any of them) for anything in the world, but all of the stuff I participated in just kept me frantically busy over vacation. I was uber stressed and crazily high-strung, and unfortunately, that insanity bled its way into the new fall semester. :| So now here I am with a ton of work (already!) and it's only September. It's really hard to believe. Time really flies when you're having fun. And fun mixes well with high stress levels, lemme tell ya...

So, anyway, other than my bitching...

Actually. I have an issue that needs to be addressed. This definitely only pertains to a small group of people, so if you're one of them, you'll get it. If not, enjoy the 'wtf'-ness of the next two paragraphs.

Story time! Yesterday afternoon, I got a whiny (not gonna lie, but it was. sorry.) email from a disgruntled ffic.net acquaintance (I used to post writing on the net). She was very straightforward and sort of rude, demanding more uploads. "I've been waiting for a year, and you haven't updated once. Wth!" she says. So on that note, I'm going to cut to the chase (again.) and officially say this now, so I'm not bothered any further online about it:

There will be no more. The updates have stopped. They stopped about a year and a half ago. And they have permanently ceased. Any short stories, fan fics, etc. I was posting on the internet will not be updated any longer. Why? Because I can, because I want to, and because the writing just isn't 'me' anymore. Most of the drafts are coming up on their THIRD AND FOURTH birthdays. That's kind of scary! It's not me anymore, my views on the world have changed, and my writing is completely different. Why post it? Not meaning to sound like a bitch or anything, but I'm sorry, I don't appreciate being bothered through emails about it. I will not respond to these complaint emails. I never have, just in case any ff.net people were wondering. I appreciate all of your past support and all of the hype over my writing, but that's the past for me. I'd like to keep it there and just move on from the old stuff. New stuff can be written! Jeez, it's not like my hands have fallen off and I can't type anymore or something. So...in general...please do not ask about it any more through emails. I will not respond.

And on that note...that pretty much wraps up all I have to say for now. If I come up with other, more interesting, less whiny things to say, I'll post them some other time. Ha. X)

Away From Home.

2009-08-04T10:23:00.000-07:00

This post isnt going to be long, because I have a life and typing on a non-English keyboard is just annoying.
And Im going to apologize in advance for my horrible grammar. I cant find all of the characters and symbols that I need on this keyboard, so Im getting rather confused. Whatever.

My vacation is very relaxing... it feels very strange that I dont have anything that I need to do other than relax. Its a strange, upside down world for me...shopping excursions almost every day, beaches, interesting foods, not so much English, spas...all things that Im definitely not used to.

Haha I could learn to like it though. :)

Ill post again when I get back home. This keyboard really is irritating me... in case you couldnt tell.

F You, Life.

2009-07-29T11:26:00.000-07:00

Wow. I haven't posted in ages. And a lot has happened.

And when I say 'a lot,' I normally mean: 'HOMGWTFASDFJKL; JUST HAPPENED?!'

Well...let's see, my last post was in *checking now...* ... MARCH?! What the hell?

Ok, well, I thought I was a little more on top of things than this, but you know, I have a life. I have been on facebook and deviantART though, so that's where I've been poking around recently.

Stuff has seriously changed, but all in all, my life is just enhanced, not necessarily different.

Eh, here's some random yummies from the past couple of months:

1) Between March and May I lost two friends. The loss of one of them bothered me more than the other, but I quickly got over it. I went to a summer camp in June and made EIGHT new best friends, and they're all amazing people. Cooler than those two could hope to be. So...to the two girls who I kept around WAY too long...sorry (not really), but I have a life. And I'm living it to the fullest.

2) I shared my faith story to a group of people I hardly knew. And I have a really screwed up faith story. It was terrifying, but at the same time it was really easy to tell them; I feel comfortable around each and every one of them. It was weird, though, because not many people at all know my faith story. Not even my parents know my faith story. Of course, I left out some parts from the group I told, but SOME people actually know the full story, like my best friend. I think she's the only person who knows it. So, sharing at least PART of my story was a strange experience, but it was totally worth it.

3) As far as BESTEST friends go... (hahaha, let's call the girl S) ...S and I are going on a vacation from this Friday to Sunday-ish of next week and it will be epic. And dude, I've missed her! I haven't seen her hardly at all this summer, but we're going to absolutely rule the world after this week...b/c we can. And OK...I haven't had a best guy friend in a LONG time, but I'm proud to say that I now have one again. Let's call him J. He's seriously awesome. I'm SO glad that we met ... I feel like he really understands me, and that's comforting. I haven't felt that way in a long time. You wish you had my best friends. :P Get your own.

4) My work days are really SHORT right now, which makes me smile. I don't think I even have to work tomorrow. Whoo! But it's kind of bad because at work this morning I almost stapled my finger... and due to my limited time, I worked way too quickly. J and I were talking about the dangers of finger stapling (he actually hurt his thumb while working, so it's a painful memories sort of thing lol) and I do believe we jinxed it. Crap. I need to stay away from staplers and tagging guns.

5) I take a break from piano lessons during the summer, but I always have some sort of assignment. My assignment this summer is an absolutely HUGE Chopin nocturne. And I'm no where CLOSE to being done with it. I'm worried, because I want to have a good arsenal of awesome pieces for my big recital in the spring, and I really want to get the Chopin out of the way, so I can move on to other things. I have a lot of Debussy to take care of and then some Motzart. Sigh. Same with voice lessons...I've got stuff to get done. But at least that should be easier than piano.

6) I've had artist block since...May. But the curse finally lifted last week! I've drawn some awesome stuff, and I can't wait to upload it to DA.

So those are some random yummies of my summer...hopefully there will be a few more before I'm thrown back into the tumultuous world of work and classes. Gah.

Well, this time, when I say 'I'll post soon' I mean it. I'll have a LOT to talk about.

Lists.

2009-03-15T12:57:00.000-07:00

I was asked by a reader (old fanfiction friend) about my song preferences while writing or drawing. I guess I'll break it up into sections.

If I'm writing, I like to listen to music that corresponds to what I'm writing about.

Something that requires a lot of power behind it: Attack Attack!, Bring Me the Horizon, Paramore, Girugamesh, etc. Anything with driving beats or 'heavy' sounds/qualities. Hard rock, metal, screamo, or even techno provide this for me.
Something that requires a lot of serenity/quiet: Gregory & the Hawk, Joanna Newsom, Priscilla Ahn, Dido, Delerium etc. Anything with a sweet sounding melody, or dreamlike is good too. Soft pop, soft rock and the occasional trance track really help with that kind of feel.
Something that requires a lot of bouncy happiness: Utada Hikaru, Ai Otsuka, Kelly Clarkson, Ayumi Hamasaki, Ian Van Dahl, or anything that is written in a major key...something with a lot of pop, can sometimes have a lot of depth, but the lighter the sound, the lighter the writing. This is a broad generalization, too, so many more artists can apply.

There are so many things to list. For instance, if I'm working on my webcomic, I like to listen to alternative music. The comic focuses a lot around rock music and the occasional classical piece, so the best middle ground I can get is alternative/adult alternative/indie, etc.

My favorite bands/artists to listen to while doing something creative:

Coldplay
Frou Frou
Imogen Heap
Paramore
Secret Lives of the Free Masons
BMtH
Utada Hikaru
Attack Attack!
any music from popular musicals
Bjork
Tilly and the Wall
Camera Obscura
MeWithoutYou

There are many many more but I'm sooo tired. I need a nap. I'll post more later.

Questions and Such.

2009-03-15T12:33:00.001-07:00

Fact: People have been asking me way too many questions lately.
Caution: It's pissing me off.
Why: Too much to think about.
And?: Too much to answer.
Fact: However, I'll humor them and post answers here.

Questions and Answers:
Asked by random people in random situations (email, word of mouth, text, etc).

1) Where have you been for the past half month?
Me? I've been sick. I've had the flu and strep throat all at the same time. It kinda keeps you in the house for two weeks.

2) So, you were at home. Why the hell did that stop you from posting?
What part of bed-ridden aren't you getting?

3) Can I email you?
Wtf kind of question is that. Yes, of course.

4) I heard you got a new cell. I can haz ur numbuh?
Maybe. Let me ponder that for a few weeks then I'll get back to you.

5) I clicked the link on your myspace that was supposed to take me to your blog, but it didn't work. What's up with that?
Myspace sucks, that's why. These days, they don't allow redirection links because they're 'spam.' If Myspace is so high and mighty, then maybe they should just check the damn sites out themselves instead of labeling them all as 'spam.' People want to see the links to other sites. It's called branching out.

6) I've been following your review blog and there's nothing on it. Where are the posts?
I haven't read/seen anything lately and I'll read/see something when I please (aka I don't care about your online agenda). I've been sick, so fanfiction was the last thing on my mind.

7) Wheeere is your Youtube liiiink?
Noooot up yeeet. My channel exists but I'm not going to tell you the address because there's nothing to see.

8) Why are you so pissed off?
Because I'm trying to get stuff done, not answer your questions.

9) Did you get enough sleep last night? (Why the hell would this person text me this...?)
No. Happy?

10) Could you please-please-please post a list of the music you listen to while you write/draw?
Sure. Coming up next, folks.

11) Why aren't you on twitter?
Busy.

12) Where are you going this afternoon?
No where. Want to distract me?

Long Day.

2009-02-11T18:46:00.000-08:00

Man...today was long.

It was my first day back in the "waking world," haha. I practically slept 4 1/2 days away while I was ill. My throat still hurts, which pisses me off, because I was totally psyched to be getting back to choir, which I can't do now because I have no voice to sing with. It's really bad because we're studying Carmina Burana...and I REALLY WANT TO SING.

I did some covers today just because I was bored. I looove doing song covers...not for anything specific, just my website. I did a lot of Utada Hikaru covers about an hour ago...I think the covers were "Traveling," "Final Distance," "ぼくはくま," (sorry if those characters don't show up on your browser...I'm not totally solid on how to write that in romanji (sp?)) and "About Me" (one of her English songs). I love Utada Hikaru's work, just in case you couldn't tell. I'm a huge fan of hers!

On the topic of music, I watched "Psalms of Planets Eureka Seven" yesterday for the first time...I had caught glimpses of it on Adult Swim previously, but I never saw enough of it. I'm a big fan of the manga, so I was ecstatic when I found the anime on Youtube. I love the OP song...I think it's called "Days" by the band Flow. It's such a great song. I really love anime OPs...they're some of the best music you can get, lol.

As far as OPs go, I love the Eureka Seven OP, Ouran Host Club's OP "Sakura Kiss" by Chieko Kawabe, Death Note season 2's OP "What's Up People?!!" by Maximum the Hormone, and most of all (my personal favorite), Trinity Blood's ENDING theme "Broken Wings" by Tomoko Tane. I love the ballad-type endings! Upbeat OPs and ballad endings are the best. I love how the OPs and endings change with the show seasons, too. That's always exciting.

Anyway, diverting from anime. I finally nailed my piano piece tonight! I've been toiling away on Bach's "Invention in F Major" for two weeks now (I had to learn it myself) and I finally got it down tonight while I was at church. I was so happy...one thing off of my list of things to do. That and it's a fairly difficult piece, so I'm glad to have gotten it off of my chest...it's such a beautiful piece. Definitely my favorite by Bach now.

And so on and so forth.

I really should go to bed...It's going to be my first day back to English class, so I need to prepare myself for all of the impending CRAP I have to deal with. Augh. I have to make up a science test tomorrow too...Fail.

Well, it's whatever I guess. Later, gator.

Still ill.

2009-02-07T10:15:00.001-08:00

I was quite grumpy yesterday morning when I found out that I was sick AGAIN.

I had just gotten over what I had on tuesday. So, I got out of classes and work early and came home and crashed. I slept for four hours and woke up around 6:00. I was exhausted still, so I went to sleep again and slept from 7 to 9 the next morning.

I'm still sick. It seems to be something with my ears and throat. I'm taking painkillers periodically throughout the day, so that it doesn't catch me off guard, because once the pain starts it doesn't go away for a long time, even if you do take painkillers.

I'm also a little peeved. I was supposed to do something with someone today, but they cut out on me last-minute. So now I have nothing to do and I'm going to be cooped up in the house all day.

Hmm. Uneventful.

Sick.

2009-02-03T07:45:00.000-08:00

I woke up sick this morning, which I'm not too happy about. However, at the same time, I really just needed a day to sleep. I've been running off fumes for the past month...I haven't had an adequate amount of rest in quite some time. I think it has to do with the onslaught of term papers I had to take care of just recently.

Now that the term paper hurdle is past, I have to start thinking about college requirements. I've done pretty much everything I need to do, which is good because there was too much of it. Now I just need to maintain my grades so that I can get in the college of my choice (with a little bit of scholarship money under my belt, that is).

I was relieved the other day, because one of my friends was convinced that she was going to attend school all the way across the country and I was distraught because everyone is leaving. But, she told me the final plan just the other day; she's probably going to attend the same college I will. I'm so excited, because if that's the case, I have a roommate. She's the perfect person for a roommate, too. I'm so glad one of my best friends is actually staying where I am.

One of my other friends might be attending the same college too. For a while, she assumed that she was moving back to her home state (either that or Germany) but noooo she's staying here! :) So that makes me infinitely happy.

Well, my throat hurts and I'm too exhausted to keep typing, so I'm going to go lie down and try to get this fever to go away. I might write more later.

Choices.

2009-02-02T16:32:00.001-08:00

People take the sky for granted.

Every day we see it and live beneath its huge expanse and think nothing of it.

As if it were just an extension of our caged-in lives.

A canopy to dwell beneath.

Boxing us in.

Down; ground.

Left; building.

Right; car.

Up; sky.

I guess that people need to look at it from a different angle.

The sky is

unchanging for only a moment, but swiftly changing gears,

from thunderstorms

to sunshine

just like all of our lives.

But,

isn't it true that,

in our hectic, urbanized lives,

the sky is the only thing that will never leave us?

Changing my mind.

2009-02-01T11:12:00.000-08:00

Ugh whatever. I don't even know anymore.

Guys.

2009-01-19T09:02:00.001-08:00

Are more trouble than they're worth.

And I dislike angst, so I went back and KABOOMED the previous stuff here.

Dreams.

2009-01-18T20:02:00.000-08:00

The other day I got myself into a deep conversation about dreams.

I was talking with a group of girls (let's call them A, B, C and D), and they were all discussing plans and dreams for the future. Along with those dreams came feelings of uncertainty.

A said that she wanted to be a best-selling author, claiming that she'd have people running for her books all over the world.
I remember thinking 'Cute, but shouldn't you pick something more realistic? I mean, that's thin ice you're treading on.'

B said that she wanted to be a scientist. When asked 'What kind of scientist' she shrugged. She said she didn't really care.
At that I thought 'Well, shouldn't you have an inkling of an idea?'

C said that she wanted to become a businesswoman, and a well-paid, bossy one at that.
To her dream I raised one eyebrow in disbelief. I thought 'Maybe you should think of raising your grades first.'

D said, calmly, that she just wanted to be a housewife, with no real aspirations for the future.
I thought that her answer was all fine and good, but I also remember thining 'But what if you have no husband to fall back on at some point in your life? What then?'

Now, mind you, I'm not trying to sound sarcastic or ugly when I judge other people's aspirations, it's just that, in that moment talking with them, I realized that nothing is set in stone. None of us know what is going to happen tomorrow, so while it's great to have dreams, you also need something incredibly practical to fall back on. I love and respect my friend's dreams, but I wish the best for them still even if they don't work out.

As far as my own dreams go, I've had many. One of my biggest, however, is someday auditioning for and hopefully joining the Met (Metropolitan Opera). That's a huge dream, and very easily impossible, which is what I discovered the other day while talking to my friends. I can hold onto it and try as hard as I want, but if I fail, I need something to fall back on. Thankfully for me, I've already realized those somethings.

I thank God every day that I have other talents to rely on when another runs short. I'm very blessed in that respect, and I want to use my talents to their full potential, rather than let them sit there. I believe that I was given these things for a reason, so I should harness them and hone them to the best that they can be. That's why, even though the tides are always shifting and the times are changing, I'm going to try my hardest to make my wild dreams wild realities!

2009.

2009-01-06T12:16:00.000-08:00

Happy new year, everyone. :)

Ah, it feels fantastic to turn over a new leaf! I love the beginning of the year. Sure, the end of the holiday season is always depressing, but it's good to be away from all of that holiday hubbub and mall madness.

Now, I make resolutions each year and I T R Y to keep them. It's very difficult for me, because I'm a very black and white person, meaning it's all or nothing. There's no gray area. I've been trying to work on that. Every year my resolution is health based. I'm an average-sized girl, I'm not overweight nor am I skinny. I'm somewhere in the middle. Though, my family has a horrible history of diabetes and there are many overweight people in my family. I haven't done anything healthy my entire life but thankfully I haven't suffered the same fate as other people in my family, so apparently genetics smiled upon me, but if I don't do something about it soon I might end up diabetic as an adult. With that said, I've taken it upon myself to change my lifestyle. I was very hesitant about it but it's actually fun. I've been doing it for a few months and I've grown to love exercising, which is unheard of for me. I like riding cycles and walking outside on chilly days. Treadmills are boring for me, but I really enjoy arm weights, swimming and I've found that the video game Dance Dance Revolution is an optimal source of aerobic exercise!

So here's to my New Years Resolution: Maintain a healthy lifestyle!

Wish me luck!

Well, well.

2008-12-30T12:09:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in a while. I've just been extremely busy, so it's difficult for me to keep up with S&S&L while I have so much to do.

Christmas was exciting. It wasn't as all over the place as last years (there was no traveling involved) but the gifts were awesome this time around. To begin with, I got a PlayStation 3, which has been on my wishlist for quite some time. (You see, I don't get gifts throughout the year like many people; I only get gifts on Christmas and my birthday so I have to wait a long time if I want something.) Secondly, I got an iPod Touch, which is very exciting because I've been using a first generation iPod Nano (it only holds 200 songs, haha) for going on 3 years now.

Fun stuff.

New Years Eve is tomorrow. I'm very excited. I'm holding a party at my house and many people will be coming; some of my friends will be there but it will mostly be my parents' friends. I'm going to get a lot of sleep tonight so I can stay up tomorrow and not be tired.

Though, in light of the party, I have to clean, clean, clean! There's so much work to do, especially in the upstairs. I have to really straighten up the place. I mean, my house is never dirty because we're very neat people, but it needs to look amazingly good for the party. My bedroom is a bit of a war zone right now as well, because of all of the gifts (they still haven't found their homes in my room yet). Around 4 o' clock I'll be heading out to do some grocery shopping. While I'm out I'll probably visit my friend J and see what he's up to I guess.

Psh. Later.

Christmas.

2008-12-22T11:46:00.000-08:00

I'm really excited. :)

Christmas is on Thursday!

I absolutely love Christmas, more than any holiday.

I love winter break and presents, but I enjoy church services and spending time with family even more.

Oh and sleeping in late.

That's great, too.

I hope everyone has a fabulous holiday season, no matter what they celebrate.

Happy Holidays!

Uber Angst.

2008-12-15T17:41:00.000-08:00

Unusually, today has been super-stressful.

During the day it wasn't so bad. The problems arose once I got home. Not good.

A lot of arguing. A lot of unnecessary grief.

In short: a whole lot of stupidity that I really didn't need to deal with.

Until Saturday, I'm completely swamped. I'm going to be running around stressing about school, work, exams, family, my agenda, getting certain things done that I've been neglecting for W A Y too long...(way, WAAY too long, now that I come to think of it. Procrastination at its height!)

Yes.

Oh how I love the holiday season.

I really don't want to go downstairs and deal with my angsting family members, but I suppose I must some time or another. I doubt that I can stall much longer by writing. Maybe if I just keep typing and typing away, I'll eventually stall to the point where I'll forget to go downstairs...? That sounds like a plan to me.

Eh. Never mind.

I doubt you'd want to read that.

English Essays

2008-12-15T15:09:00.000-08:00

English, guys.

I love my language.

It's a fantastically amazing language.

...Especially when one learns every freaking rule.

Darn you, technical language!

It's much more elaborate than non-English speakers give it credit for.

It's especially elaborate when one has an exam on it tomorrow morning.

Epic fail.

Word on the street is that it will be very easy, but when it comes to my teacher, she has other plans.

Other plans as in stuff we've never looked over.

Short stories, essays and poems we've never read.

Literary devices I've never HEARD of.

Those kind of plans.

The evil kind.

I won't worry TOO much, though.

I got my chem exam out of the way, and that's all that matters.

Tomorrow is full of language exams.

Spanish first thing in the morning and English afterward.

My Spanish exam should be easy.

I'm in a relatively advanced class, but our teacher likes to attack us with more difficult work.

So, basically, we end up learning much more than we bargained for.

It seems that I've grown to love Spanish.

I caught myself counting in Spanish instead of English the other day.

It was quite frightening.

I've been dreaming in Spanish, too.

Does this mean that I'm truly beginning to understand it?

Maybe.

Probably.

Cool.

Then again, I've been taking classes in Spanish ever since I was a preschooler.

All of those classes finally paid off.

Besides Spanish, I'm also learning other languages.

I've been studying Japanese for about three years now.

I've taken two introductory classes in Chinese and Korean.

I've also taken introductory courses in Russian and Arabic.

I love languages.

They're infinitely interesting to me.

Even though I'm taking courses in all of these languages, though, don't try and talk to me in one of them and expect me to understand.

I won't.

English? Of course. What language do you think I use every day?

Spanish, quite possibly. Sure, I'll chat with you in Spanish.

Any of the other?

Pfft, no way in hell.

You couldn't pay me enough.

Just because I'm learning the language doesn't mean I can chat it up with you.

I would love to speak with you, but I probably won't understand.

So if you can speak English, please do.

I'd be very grateful.

But enough about languages.

I think I just ended a bit of a mini-rant.

I just realized that I have another exam to study for.

Excuse my rambling!

But, as I always say, a rant a day keeps the crazy away.

Hmm.

Maybe I already have gone crazy.

Chemistry

2008-12-14T18:59:00.001-08:00

Chemistry, guys.

No, not relationship chemistry.

Chemistry-chemistry.

Like, Periodic Tables and balancing equations.

That kind of chemistry, unfortunately.

Going into the class, everybody told me:

"It's very mathematical. You should understand it."

Lies.

At least for me.

Whatever floats your boat.

If you like chemistry, then whatever.

Algebra, calculus, trig and geometry are one package, a language I've learned to cope with over the years, despite the fact that I'm not very fond of it.

Chemistry, however, is a language I am N O T familiar with.

Nor do I want to be familiar with it.

Bah.

It happens that, right now, I'm supposed to be studying for my chem exam.

Pffft.

That's not going too brilliantly.

If I have to convert grams into moles one more time I'm probably going to cry.

Oh look. Another conversion problem.

And the crying begins.

Ugh.

I'll be so happy when the exam is over with.

Hey There

2008-12-14T17:59:00.000-08:00

Wowie. I'm pretty glad to be starting a new blog; I haven't blogged in quite some time. I didn't really know about this website until recently, so whatever...

Anyway.

The name's Khdd.

That's pretty much all you need to know about me, identity-wise.

;)

I don't blog often...actually, I've never really truly gotten into it. I don't know, I guess the other blogging sites weren't exciting enough for me. Whatever.

I guess I should tell you a bit about myself, though.

So here's a random list (maybe it will help):

~I don't have a favorite color. I love every color.~

~Singing && Art && Writing are my L I F E.~

~Cats are my favorite animal. I have one named Ellie.~

~I'm afraid of heights, but I love roller coasters.~

~I hope that opera performance is in my future.~

~I live off of Coke Zero. I don't know what I'd do without it.~

~My hair is naturally curly, but I straighten it.~

~99.99% of my family is European.~

~I love scarfs. They're fantastically amazing.~

~Socks, too. Especially the fuzzy kind.~

~I'm stubborn.~

~I draw manga, but I'm not a fangirl.~

~My clothing style is mod-inspired.~

~Cupcakes vs. Cookies? Cupcakes = epic win.~

~I love guys with gorgeous voices.~

~I've been playing piano ever since I was 4.~

~I have a funny laugh, I've been told.~

Umm...and that's about it for my random list.

It doesn't get much better than that, I'm telling you.

Anyway.

Maybe I'll write more interesting things about myself as I'm compelled to post more.

I don't know.

Anyway, if you took the time to read this entire pointless post:

Good for you && thanks for reading.

...

I would write something more interesting, however I'm unfortunately studying for midterm exams.

Ugh.